Writing Challenge - Day 4

What Once Held So Much Weight

What once held so much weight for me now feels like words on a page, like a memory that no longer stings. It doesn’t mean that what I felt wasn’t real—it just means I’ve processed it, healed from it, and moved on. The things that once consumed us become just another part of our story, no longer holding power over us. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but oh so freeing.

There are days when my memories bring me back. Back when I would feel like my heart was physically breaking, my tears clouding my vision, and my love freely given but never treasured.

What Does It Mean to Love?

What does it mean to be in love? Or to love someone?

Being in love means obsessing over their attention, affection, and how they make you feel. Loving someone, though, means that when those feelings fade and you see their flaws, you see them for who they truly are. And then you can begin to love them.

Loving someone isn’t just a feeling—it’s choosing to stay after “losing feelings.” If you love someone because of their lips, their eyes, or their body, it’s lust. If you love someone for their intelligence or insights on life, it’s admiration, not love. If you love someone because they make you forget about studying or sleep, it’s infatuation, not love.

Love is when you have no clue why you are attracted to them. Love is when the heart sees what is invisible to the eyes. Love is when you can’t explain how you feel about them to the other person—or yourself.

The Complexity of Letting Go

I hate you because I wanted to ask you to try. Because I liked you, and I know you broke up with me because you loved someone else. But we were still in the beginning of our relationship. We still had time to cultivate our feelings. We were just starting. And I hate you because you gave up. You were ready to leave before I was—and I hate you for it.

You told me to let out what I feel toward you or I wouldn’t feel better. So here it goes.

I still like you. Or maybe I love you. I hate you because I still have feelings for you, but I know why we can’t work. I hate you because you made me like you, but at the same time, I don’t hate you. Not really.

I mostly hate myself for it. For still liking you even though we’re over. I still care for you and would like to still be friends. Honestly, talking to my boys, and sometimes even you, are the few times that I’m laughing and not crying. But I have to take you off that list.

I talk to you and I’m not so upset anymore. It sounds like you’re doing okay, and that makes me happy. But at the same time, somewhere deep inside me, I want to try and fight for our relationship. To be unreasonable and hold on to you, trying to make it work.

But I don’t want to risk ruining the chance for us to be friends by doing that. Because I know I’ll be crushed if you don’t want to work it out. And I don’t want to ask because I don’t know the answer. I just don’t want to hear you say no, for real.

A Loyal Heart

I like you, and if I could, I’d probably fight for you if I had even a small inkling that you wanted to be with me. Because I am sadly a loyal, understanding, somewhat empathetic person. And I fight for people. When someone gets my care, no matter our relationship, I fight tooth and nail for them.

So for now, this has to be it. This has to be the last love letter I give you for a long time. Maybe a month... We’ll see how I feel in a month. I’m sure I’ll be past the crying stage by then. And hopefully the angry stage. Hopefully, by the end of the month, I’ll have reached acceptance, and maybe we can be friends again.

...

These are the feelings of the person I was last year. These are not the feelings I have now. We are not the same person anymore.

...

xoxo, @auroxisia_

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